~ pisceanated ~

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays,
hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless
family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best
interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important,I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want
to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese,onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Katafter a
few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but
think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door
key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous..I
know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water,vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories,
the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't
know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can
continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest
fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
3. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me
sing.